Flying back from Miami this past week, I skimmed through a past issue of Time magazine… at the last page of the issue, in the Essay section, I read through Garrison Keillor’s “Goodbye to All That”, a farewell essay to his dying father… I started crying. I have decided to write my own farewell letter, to say goodbye to my mother, and hopefully start a new chapter in my life.
I tried several times to write this section, but always end up scrapping whatever I wrote – I do not want to end up writing a biography about my mother… what I want is to write about my feelings, how I felt when she left this world…
My mother came to visit me around March of 2000. I remember talking to her about Y2K, how ridiculous it was for me to tell her to stock up on water and food (which she did)… that was when I realized how fragile my mother was. Throughout my life, my mother has been the “strong” one – she took care of the family the best she could, and she never showed weakness. When she visited in March she seemed a different person – my mother was 54 but she said she felt 80… every three steps she took she needed to rest for minutes…
The doctors told her it was radiation therapy/surgery/physical therapy that caused her back pains, but no one could offer a cure – what the hell is Morphine going to do when she is in pain again the moment she stops taking them? She was in good spirits though – we always managed to go have dinner at our “usual” restaurants – Kikugawa for Japanese, Shuang Cheng for Chinese Dungeness Crabs, and Seafood Palace for Chinese Hotpot…
She and I both believed the cancer stage of her life has ended, and all we have to worry about was her back pains… She said she was going back for a few months, but will be back soon in the summer.
Mom was told that the cancer has returned, and this time it’s spread to her neck. Her body was too weak to perform even a biopsy to determine the stage of her cancer – the doctors ordered chemotherapy…
A few months goes by… being in a different country, I became my mother’s best friend over the phone – we talk about my life, my relationships, and my green card application. She always ended the conversation with “Take care of yourself”, as if it was the last time I would speak to her. I always told her not to talk like that… everything will be all right. Soon.
By October, the doctors told the family that they’ve done all they could do, and gave my mother another three or four months to live. I was in denial, as well as my family. I had arranged for a second opinion here in the States, in hope of her being seen at possible the Mayo Clinic…
I am sorry – I can write no more… maybe at a later time I will continue this.